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11:45 a.m. - 2012-12-19
A Strong Well Mind
Is as cruscial if not more then any part of the body . The past horrific and sad events that led to unnessessary results of massacres of victims rather it's one & more ( . These are not isolated events that happen to be coincidances . There is an extreme need to a better mental health system with men and a positive one that does not inflict fear upon them . Putting fear into the minds of ones capable of taking lives is a grave a mistake .

If you think it's not your problem , you should know by now , no matter how far you think you are from harms way , you are never out of harms way or your loved ones . It's every ones problem and it effects everyone . Therefore we need positive ideas and solutions before another unessessary horrific event comes to pass or more come to pass .
Though everyone has great ideas and our valued , here are mine ;

First they need a good sleep pattern and diet , following ; something that makes them happy , positive treatment to help manage their mentality ( medications , counceling , ....ect ) , modivation for plans of a bright future, understanding empathy and sympathy for others , love for them selves and prayers from us all . I don't feel drugs play a major role and maybe no role at all , with regarding the past horrific events . The young men and men usually carfefully planed how they'd harm to kill with great thought and effert and with high intelligence , if not ; genius intelligence . Here is the latest list of horrific events from all over the world , starting with the most rescent , then with the earliest of the year 2012 , following past years . December 14 2012 , Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre. In Newtown, Conn. 30 are dead that included mostly children as young as 5 . ( worst school shooting in American history ) The gunman killed his mother , leading up to the massacre at the primary school. The gunman killed himself before the police had arrived. September 26 2012 , an eight grader killed himself at Stillwater Junior High School in Oklahoma. September 7 2012 , Teachers again stopped a shooter, the 14 yr old was tackled to the floor after shooting at the ceiling at Normal Community High School, Illinois. August 2012 , Police arrested 15 yr old and charged him as an adult after a student opened fire on the first day of school, at Perry Hall High School, Baltimore. The 15 yr old allegedly opened fire before being rushed by teachers. July 22, 2011 , ( 2011 Utøya massacre ) One man went to the island of Utøya on July 22, 2011, right after the devastating bomb in Oslo. Wearing a fake police uniform, he shot and killed 69 youths at the annual labour youth party, and injured several more. It is still unknown how long the massacre lasted. According to police logs, it took an hour from the first calls until the response team arrested him. The defenseless people had nowhere to run. Many tried to swim away from the island to shore, some made it, and some did not. July 20, 2012 , ( Colorado Movie Theater Massacre (2012 Aurora shooting) ) Twelve people were killed and 58 others were injured when a gunman opened fire in a crowded movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, during the midnight premier of The Dark Knight Rises film. A 24 year old male was arrested and charged with the killings. April 2 2012, a shooting at Oikos University, in Oakland, California , killing seven and injuring 10 , by a Korean national age 43 and surrendered to police . February 2012 , (Two weeks later 17 yr old student , allegedly opened fire at Chardon High School, Ohio, killing two and injuring three.) February 10 2012, a 14-year-old from New Hampshire called Hunter Mack shot himself in the face at Walpole Elementary School cafeteria. April 16, 2007 , ( Virginia Tech Massacre ) Gunman killed 32 people and wounded many others before committing suicide . The massacre is the deadliest peacetime shooting incident by a single gunman in United States history, on or off a school campus. April 20, 1999, ( Columbine High School massacre ) Two teenagers open fire on their classmates on April 20, 1999 at Columbine High School, killing 12 students and one teacher before committing suicide March 13, 1996 , ( Dunblane massacre ) A gunman opened fire in a primary school, killing sixteen children and one teacher before killing himself. October 16, 1991 , ( Luby's massacre ) In Killeen, Texas. A male drove his pickup truck into a Luby's Cafeteria and shot and killed 22 people, wounded another 20 and then committed suicide by shooting himself. November 13, 1990 , ( Aramoana massacre ) In Aramoana, New Zealand , a lone gunman began shooting indiscriminately at people, killing 13 people before being killed by police himself, allegedly after a dispute with his next door neighbor. It remains New Zealands deadliest criminal shooting. August 19, 1987 , ( Hungerford massacre ) A gunman armed with semi-automatic rifles and a handgun killed 16 people before committing suicide in Hungerford, England . July 18, 1984, ( San Ysidro McDonald's Massacre ) A gunman killed 21 people in a McDonald's restaurant before being fatally shot by a SWAT team sniper. August 1, 1966 ( University of Texas massacre ) At the site of University of Texas a male killed his mother and wife at their homes before killing 14 and wounding 32 others at the University atop the university tower before the police killed him. Copycat threats ************************** December 19th 2012 , Authorities are cracking down on threats against schools following the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre. In Indiana, police have responded to threats against three separate schools, making arrests in each case. They included a Bloomington South High School student who allegedly threatened a "copycat" school shooting; police removed six guns from his home. Two other teens, one in California, the other in Tennessee, who posted online that they would like to commit similar shootings were promptly arrested. Another teen in Tennessee was arrested after making phone calls to a local elementary school with a bomb threat. Columbine High School massacre 1999 After 50 days from the massacre , more than 350 threats were reported at Pennsylvania schools, skyrocketing from the one or two threats reported in the same period a year earlier. A study, published in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine in 1999, determined that the publicity Columbine received led to a spike in bomb and other threats on schools. A similar shooting a year earlier in Jonesboro, Ark., received a fraction of the media attention that Columbine did, and attracted many fewer copycat threats in the days following. Based on this finding, the authors of the study urged the media to downplay coverage of shootings, not to portray the killers as "countercultural heroes," and not to describe in detail how the crime was committed. Though a rise in threats following shootings has been documented, it's much less clear whether mass killings that attract intense media coverage lead people to attempt actual copycat attacks. In a paper published in 1999, Christopher Cantor and other researchers examined seven mass killings in Australia, the U.K. and New Zealand. They said they found a "ripple effect" linking some of the mass killings, where some murderers were inspired by coverage of other crimes to commit their own. But criminology expert Ray Surette cautioned in his own study on copycat crime that "too few copycat criminals have been identified to allow for scientifically adequate research." Surette's study of juvenile offenders in Florida, published in Crime & Delinquency in 2002, found that about a third of young prisoners had considered committing a crime that they had seen in the media—defined as TV, movies, news and music—and that a quarter of them had actually attempted to commit such a crime. But Surette had no way of knowing whether removing the media would have prevented those prisoners from committing their crimes in the first place. In a 1984 study of prisoners in Butner, N.C., the researchers Susan Pease and Craig Love found that about 20 percent of prisoners said they had been influenced by either newspaper reports, TV news, TV shows or movies before committing a crime. TV news and newspaper reports ranked far lower than programs and movies as influencers, and almost all of the self-identified "copycat criminals" said they had the intent to commit a crime before they were influenced by media. (Some prisoners said they would watch TV crime programs and literally take notes in order to pick up on new techniques.) The lone exception was mentally ill patients, however, who did not necessarily have criminal intent before they said they were influenced by media before committing a crime.

9:19 a.m. - 2012-11-30
Family Events
I've had atleast a couple of events in my family life in the rescent past . The first event was my youngest daughter Lisa , having severe asthma attachs from a virus and from spraying too much purfume on with her friend . This was enough to admitt her in the hospital for a few days . They released her for Thanksgiving but she clearly wasn't out of the woods yet though She's doing better now .

The second event was my neice Hannah getting pregnant at the age 15 , though she's turning 16 . She's in high spirits about the pregancy , which is good to prepare her for parenthood . She's marrying the father of the child . Though he comes from a family of wealth , but not enough wealth to pay for an entire pregnancy , birth and baby care . Hannah had no insurrance coverage right and medical exspenses for ; pregnancy , birth and babies are very expensive . Her parents have had inssurance with the same company for years through the company they work for and pay into for their family but was denied coverage to pregnant teenagers .

So, My family is freaking out even more about her pregancy and for good reasons . I hope it's resolved that they get some type of coverage so they can be more supportive about Hannah and the child on the way . I know she will make a great mother but she made need some guidance and help . She's still continuing her education and still wants to be a cosmetologist . Infact, Lisa also wants to become a cosmetologist . It is said it's one of the top secure jobs for the future . My son is starting up in mechancic school along with finishing his GED very soon . He's basically being forced to do this though he wants to . I'm relieved he's trying and being guided by others who have more power then I do . I try to guide him but theres only so much guiding someone can do . I'm thankful he's not enterested in drugs though he likes pot , though can't smoke pot until he's off of probabtion . I don't like the smell so I'll make him smoke it else where . My oldest daughter is trying to become more social which is a big step for her . I'm going back to a community college in Jan for a certificate or maybe a two year degree but have not descided for what , yet . My Dad rescently told me one more phrase of his many words of wisdome and when I say he has words of wisdome , I'm not exagerating . True he has fears and says things he doesn't mean but when it's one of his quotes or word phrases he's remembered or thought of , he's a genius when it comes to having words of wisdome at times . The latest phrase from him was . " Education is freedome " he told me it's the freedome to many situations out there . Other past qoutes and phrases he's qouted either him self or remembered someone elses . " Humans are creatures of habit " . " If you want to change your self , make a new habit and eventually you will come to like the new habit . " " In a young man's mind , boredome can become the devils playground . " " A young man needs something to do , and something to believe in . " "Don't let depression and fears allow your mind to wonder with them , keep your mind busy by doing something . "

1:04 p.m. - 2012-10-11
My Dream Men

Are a glimpse of what could be but when reality awakens out of my dreams I am reminded everytime that neither of them belong to me because if one of them was supposed to be in my love life , even if for a short while , one of them would have prosued me or alteast would have tried to tell me they are enterested in me .

I'm reminded of the; distance , silence and absence of Rolf when I awake after dreaming of him .

I'm reminded that I'm only a stranger to my neighbor after I awake from dreaming of him and our friendship if you can call it that ended on his terms a few years back .

Therefore I've accepted long ago I would never have a chance with either of them . This is why I open my self to other men or try and date . It's difficult for me to meet men because no matter what someone says , I sometimes don't beleive them . I see someone who is not attractive nor beautiful .
It's not Rolf's not my neighbirs fault . It's fears and depression with in my self . Sometimes they try and help me in my dreams to feel better about my self so they are very kind though the dreams are not reality unless they really do like me enough to be in a relationship or marriage with me but I doubt it , instead they are pretending to like me in my dreams or pretending to like me enough to marry me . But, they are only dreams . Most people see the flaws about them , I'm no different but I'm trying to see the positives too .

12:37 p.m. - 2012-10-11
Note : Beauty ( Attraction ) Lyes In The Eyes Of The Beholder
When your overlooked by others , some are glancing twice behind your back . And while others see you as just another number , someone is or will see you as their world . Exspeption for Rolf and my neighbor . As for my dream men who I've really dreamed about . Not that anyone cares but my dreams are true . Though in real life when a woke , they are just only dreams . I still dream of them . Maybe I'll reveal more of my dreams , maybe not . I don't know if many girls are attracted to him but as far as my opinion goes , how could they not be , he's very attractive . My neighbor knows he's attractive and every girl on this block and then some are attractive to him . So , they don't count since they are blessed with beauty ( atractiveness ). Along with anyone else who has already been blessed with beauty or attraction , espeically for those who take it for granted most of the time and act like you know it with pride . Axception for Rolf and my neighbor , rolf has been humble about his attraction or does not gloat on it and as for my neighbor he's hides that he knows it and keeps it to himself . I'm speaking of when you feel your not beautiful or attractive . Just know that to some you are , even if you don't know it . Also know if love hasn't found you yet , just know that it can .

10:49 a.m. - 2012-10-11
About a Previous Post I Wrote
In a previous posting I wrote
"If a man has feelings for a woman , he should tell her . If I was a man I would .

If you love someone you PROOVE IT .

If I was a man I and I felt love for someone .

I would proove it . Because , I wouldn't want another man having her . Being a woman , I'm telling men to go after the women they love or think of . You may be surprised at her response , in the end because if you don't give up , you may just win her over . You may win her over in the beginning awell . You will never know if you don't take a risk or try . Is she worth loosing and will you miss her so greatly if she was gone that you wish you had her . Sometimes you don't know you loved someone until you know you could miss them . "

I need to emphasize something due to expeirance from right now and from my past that I forgot .

What I mean by procuing her is to tell her how you feel but if you feel like she isn't that into you then back away and wait . If she's into you she should respond back but get to know her before you tell her deeply you feel unless you know she feels just as deeply as you do . It's better to casually tell her that you like her or that your enterested in her before telling her anything too deep . Find out if she feels deep about you too before you put your sincere intense feelings out their on the line .

Because if you feel she's not that into you or not that into you yet then it can scare her off as vice versa .

As of today 10/11
I have a guy procuing me and he's doing everything he can to win me over . I just met him but the feelings are not mutal ,but maybe they will be in time . I don't know

The man procuing me is 14 years older then me ( though I've been inlove with someone his age and still feel the same way about him ), though he maybe lieing and could be older then that because he said he was a couple of years younger at one time , though I'm not certian . To simply put; I barely know him and just met him for the first time less then a month ago . I don't know if I can develop feelings for him at the same degree he has for me or close to that degree . I don't feel the magic with him yet nor do I have feelings for him like that . Then again , I don't fall easily but when I do I fall hard. Already he's wanted to be commited as if we were a married couple before we even met , because of my pisture maybe and even more so after we met . He's not divoced but is willing to get a divorce since his wife left him . I don't want him divorcing his wife because he has feelings for me and to do it for him self and I've even told him maybe he should work it out with his wife but says it's been over for a while . Even if he divorced her I don't know if I will have feelings for him then .
Then again maybe I will beable to love him back in time if he loves me . I don't feel as I'm his match or that he's the one for me , infact if i was with him it could be that I feel I'm forced to be with him or with him for for the wrong reasons; for finacial security either now or in the future .
I'd like to be his friend for now and I've told him this repeatedly but he still speaks of love instead of trying to keep his thoughts hidden .

I want to be with someone that I fall inlove or can fall inlove with and that they love me back or can love me back . I don't need a deep love that has to be above normal or written about in books , just something real . Something based on ; friendship , romance and a love that grows , something we can enjoy but yet strong enough to trust each other through most advesities and storms.

I don't exspect him to be perfect nor do I want someone perfect . I may make mistakes or may have a past .

Back to what I was writting about (Conclusion) : It's good to tell someone how you feel if it's worth not lossing them to someone else but do so if you can handle rejection and do so if you can back off if needed . Maybe you will be surprised maybe she will feel the same about you and that maybe worth worth knowing for the both of you and very important for the both of you for reason known or even unknown , this is what I'm trying to say .

10:06 a.m. - 2012-09-26
Conitnued ..... More about Love
I've had men feel they love me but in reality it is most likely infactuation which can turn into love very easily .

The guy I spoke of is differnet from the rest of the men I've dated just by a bit . He's prosued me the most and though he hasn't met my kids he may be able to handle their conflicts or issues and help guide them as they become more self sufficient .

He's still married but she left him and took off to another state . He's been seperated for a year now and willing to divorce . I know he can easily descibe love to me but in reality it will be actions that show it . In time I will love him back if he has fallen inlove with me or falls inlove with me . So far he's a Jack : ) and he makes me smile .

My best friend Mary and I have a thing that we call good men . It's from the movie the Titanic , " Rose & Jack " Jack isn't rich like the guy she's supposed to marry and for security she has to marry the guy she's with though it's love she craves and screams for .

Mary and I are like Rose , we are screaming for love but I get is false love from men . I crave real love and long for someone to be real . Too quick I've had men pick me because they think I'm sexy or beautiful though I do not see what they see . Most of the time in my past what I saw was : fear , phobias , depression , failure and weakness in my reflection through my eyes looking into mirrors . Sometimes I cried , because no matter what any one told me I could not see what they saw .

Then I'd believe it will only be time before they see what I see and leave me to abandoment or hit me .

I've had trust issue and I know it's not their fault , it's no ones fault . Even if someone or some are to blame I wouldn't blame anyone . I can't put anyone on a peddlestool because we are all only human . I was supposed to look to God for strenght and healing and I failed many times is why I saw what I saw .

I'm supposed to find love with in my self and though I thought I did , I'm still trying and sometimes it can be hard . After all we are our own worst crititcs . It doesn't take much to beat my self up , maybe this is why I need to find more love in my self then I have .

Never say or think just because you think somoene is beautiful or sexy they have a easy life or know they feel this way about them selves .

It is true that beauty lyes in the eyes of the beholder .If you think your not beautiful or handsome , I promise you someone out there feels you are . Sometimes when you think your not , you really are beautiful or attractive . Your eyes can play tricks on you and give you false illusions .
Just know that you are love and love flows through you and that you are very attractive .

I know I should practice more what I write . I am trying to love my self the right way . Maybe it's a process or a journey .

Even the most egotistic people can beat them selves up behind closed doors as they look through a mirror . They should began loving them selves instead the, right way .

Remember ; When you are just another number to the eyes of some of the world . You are the world in someone elses eyes .

Although Marry is still married she is fully seperated and has found a Jack . He's already proposed to her and she's already fallen inlove with him , I hope or will fall inlive with him . Because he's very good to her and loves her so much . But I want her happiness , and either through him or someone else , I hope she finds it . As for myself I can love him and find happiness , maybe he's the one for me . ( his name is ; Johnny and he's 13 years older then me not 14 , he lives outside of my town North towards Cheyenne . He's a formor Marine and graduated from the Marines in his early twenties . He went to 4 years of college and got a bachlers degree in mechanics . He also owns his own house but I have owned my own house too one time and sold it back to the bank for someone on Hud housing to rent , thats ok . Strangly a year latter I worked with a guy who I took home from work ( it was the same place I worked at with Rolf ) . Anyways , he lived in the same house I owned . I asked him how he could afford that house on our income and told him that I previously onwed it . I'm not sure if he beleived me but he said it was a Hud House . I baught it for an expenisve price and used all my inharriatance to fix it up and worked many hours to pay the morgage . My parents helped pay the morgage when my husband left me for the same girl he claims he did not cheat with at the time I heard her saying he was with her and doing everything that leads up to sex . I cheated too and I learned my lesson . Natrually cried after droping him off in the house I once owned and worked for , it wsas no longer mine . But it went to help him , his Dad and maybe others who lived with him and his future wife and their future baby years latter . Something good came out of it , to help others in need and to help them . They would have found another house but instead they got mine or maybe it was theirs to begin with , who know's . I was too in section 8 housing but not in a house , instead in a appartment , I like it like this , it's less work and less expensive . But if I could onw my own house I'd like that better . I'd rather it be by my own success though but if not thats fine too . Also if I love someone we wouldn't need a house to have happiness and could work our way up to one if we wanted that . Anyways , I wont ask Johnny to fix my car but it would be nice to have it fixed when I can afford the part . If he pays for it , I'd be shocked and very impressed and very happy because it's very costly to fix even to buy the part . He can't just fix it he works for an employer . He's very slinder though I like the stocky type , it's fine . He has a attractive lips , I've noticed and has hazel brown eys and he's balding . I've had crushes on bald men and I've liked brown eyes men too . I know I'm not supposed to compare what I call my fantasy guy to a man that could show me love . It's better to know I will have someone there rather then being unsure if he wants to be there for me . He dedicates songs to me even after the first date . He also blows a kiss into the night sky in hopes I receive it he says . This has been over the course of a week . Though he tells me he found the one and that I'm her . He may only be infactuated or loney or for other reasons , like the rest of the other men . Maybe I'm worng , maybe I need to trust someone more and just accept love when it comes my way rather then fearing it's false or for other reasons . Or fearing I wont feel the same when I should know love grows if you both try and especially include God . I want to take things slowly if we can just incase we are meant for someone else . But what if he is the one , I don't know . He's never had kids , hopefully he can accept mine because I love them and have to guide them through life . I need to get them safely launched or take them with me , until I safely launch them . Maybe one maybe all will stay with me for a while . though my son has plans to move on but he needs to be ready . I still have my oldest and my youngest too to think about and they are the loves of my life and will need to consider them with whom ever I choose . They all know our lives will change and that they will have to show my husband respect and they are all in appreement with this , surprisingly . But , they want me to have a husband and they want me to fall inlove and to be happy because they are great kids . I want the same for them and i love them no matter how mad we get at each other . But what I do know is that , I plan on making a marriage work rather I love him or not and being faithful to him .

8:07 a.m. - 2012-09-26
My Defiinition Of Love
is to have my partner standing with me in a storm or someone to help hold me up when I've fallen , as I would him .

It's hard to trust someone and it can be difficult using intuition on who would proove the most strenght through hardships and storms .

I'm not saying times of storms are going to be so terrible that it would take someone brave , I'm saying life has moments of heaven as of the oposite . Tests and trials will come along with lifes lessons and I fear abandoment the most . There for it will be the one who is my hero through these times and I don't know who is is . As he is my hero I will be his because he will need someone holding him up through times he's fallen and someone to stand with him during storms .

I can say this though , I may have come close to knowing who he is . I began dating someone and our second date is comming soon . He dedicates love songs to me and emails me messages to remind me he;s thinking of me . He's 14 years older then I am and that's great by me . I wanted someone older then me but not too much older , 20 years difference is pushing because then he would be looking for youth for him self to remind him that he's still young rather then looking for a partner .Or someone to take care of him soon during his elderly years , someone strong and young . Nothing is certian , what about her , she could become ill . Would he make sure she's cared for ? I'm not saying he would have to do the caring him self because most likely it takes a CNA's or someone with professional skills to care for someone ill and he may have to work . But he would probably exspect her to care for him her self when he became ill . Accepting a partner is knowing limitations of each other and still loving each other . As for myself my limitations come at standing alone through storms or having no one there to help pick me up if I'm fallen . If he chooses not to be there , I will fall inlove with someone who will choose to be there with me . Maybe times like this will never come but they usually do , since this is , after all ; Earth . All ready he shows enterest in meeting my kids but he hasn't met them yet . He lives in a neighborhood with high standards and his neighbors look up to him . I don't know if he has it in him to stand in a storm with me . Because he values other peoples opinions too much and describes him self being in a neighborhood good ol buddy club of all men . This is fine , he can have friends and buddies but what if they become jelious of him having a girlfriend and sometimes out with me , they may not like this . I don;t know if he will choose what they have to say over choosing having me . He can have them and he can have me but he may choose to descide to see less of them and I'm pretty sure they will not like this . Therefore abandoment could be an issue with him . I have a difficult time trusting and I don't know if I can trust him . If it were me and I loved a woman , theres no question . I'd value everything about her and I'd do everything possible not to loose her . If I had a chance to win her love before I had her , I'd proove my love to her . I can't do this being a woman ,if I'm trying to win over a man . I've observed from my self and many other women that men run or fight back . Therefore it's their job. It's their job to prosue women and it;s their job to do the asking when asking for a date . It's their job to propose marriage . Maybe the reason why they run or fight is because , they don't know it but it's imbedded in them to take this role and if women take it they all of a sudden run for the hills or try and find someone else . Until reason comes to reason with them . I'm not saying all men who run or fight back could really want the other woman , sometimes they really do not want the other woman . That is called rejection . I've seen this happen too . If a man has feelings for a woman , he should tell her . If I was a man I would .

If you love someone you PROOVE IT .

If I was a man I and I felt love for someone .

I would proove it . Because , I wouldn't want another man having her . Being a woman , I'm telling men to go after the women they love or think of . You may be surprised at her response , in the end because if you don't give up , you may just win her over . You may win her over in the beginning awell . You will never know if you don't take a risk or try . Is she worth loosing and will you miss her so greatly if she was gone that you wish you had her . Sometimes you don't know you loved someone until you know you could miss them . Maybe the guy who's prosuing me right now along with maybe a couple of others online . Is the one who would most value winning my love . I don't fall easily inlove but when I do , I fall hard . When I fall hard I can assure that I will make sure I'm the best lover he's ever had . And if a man loves me in time I will love him back , though he was not the men in my dreams . But maybe I will dream of him if not thats perfectly fine . Because I'd rather have a real guy in a real world , rather than a men in a dream world . I'd rather wake up to someone who is there for me , that alone would proove his love or that he's trying to love me . I truely belive that if a couple both tries at love , love will grow . Especially if they ask God to help love grow .

7:49 a.m. - 2012-09-22
Maybe I Should Forget About Super Stitions
I'm Irish but also though we started off as Scottish and from a Scottish King . I'm also a mut , I have Dutch , (German , Indian and Spainish though not prooven )and possibly more .

But from my Irish side my family has sometimes beleived in super stitions . How about we just do away with they negetive . A couple of days ago I scolded a cat that was about to cross the street . No one else cared but then their was me , pointing my finger in desperation , in hopes that he or she was not all black . I didn't used to care and I love black cats and it's not fair that they get to be the scape goat for a warning of something negative that comes ones way .

Why be warned if you can't change destiney or fate or what ever . Cause this kind of sucks . It's like someone who thinks their helping you by telling you that you will be dead soon . How in hell will that help you . Infact that would only cause panic and tormiol if you have much fear . Aren't we supposed to live our lives trying to find love and show love and with fear it's kind of hard .

I'm pretty sure that cat had a red tint to a dark brown tint to it . He was scared by the cars tires infront of me and descided to cross my path as I was scolding him to stay and he didn't listen .

Well , if I rewind time and view how many times a black cat crossed my path it's been a few , I even owned a black cat . I love black cats so my conclusion is the power is in your words and thinking . Shit happens , sometimes we cause it and sometimes we don't . The important thing to remember is that we must learn from our mistakes and move forward no matter how hard we fall . Life is not supposed to be heaven though we all try to recreate heaven on Earth .
We can have moments of heaven just as we can have moments of the oposite .

I've also learned I have to rely on God more then my self cause thats when I bring more sufferings that I don't need . He's merceful and many times he helps us though we don't deserve it .

Last night I spent a long time trying to find a capsule that fell in to my batch of cream . I wasn't sure if more had fallen in so I had to litterly study it ounce by ounce . Hopefully I found the missing capsul of capsules . Thankfully that are fine if they are asborbed into my cream but that would kind of suck if someone found one .

I have to infuse one of my herbs which can come in caspsul form .

I look at this as a learning lesson to be more careful with the capsules . Then again I've had lady bugs , butterflies and dragon flies come way way and they are all good luck : ) It's important to believe in posistiveness , hope and faith . Like the flying : lady bugs ,butterflies, honey bee's , dragon flies and birds , I've always liked bats too and I think of them as positive though some fear them . I am trying to like moth's , I've had a phobia of them all my life but they've tried hard to impress me by coming to me with beautiful wings and bodies . Some look like creatures but they are known for the moth family . My daughter loves them all . My reasons for fearing them goes back to my toddler age when I found one dead in my spoon of cereal that had gotten trapped in the cereal box . The very thought of eating one mortified me so much that I become phobic around them . I screamed and dropoped my spoon and never ate that type of cereal again and avoided moths most of my life or ran from them . Unless they were the tiny , tiny summer moths . I used to collect them for pets as a child and crodads too . I got way off track from super stitions . I guess thats what you call brain storming .

12:27 a.m. - 2012-09-20
Every year for the past few years I've been going out trick or treating with my kids . I like candy and it was fun pretending to be a teenager again for a night , especially dressing up in costume .

It's the one time you can be a character and not look like your some weirdo .

One year I remember in particular was maybe two or three years ago when I dressed up as a vampress then by the time I went out trick or treating with my kids and some neighbors I was then " little red riding hood " . My neighbor girl friend loaned me her red hooded cloak , and looked just like little red riding hood's jacket . The year prior I was a vampress so i was happy to be someone different that year . I only had one picture and I can't find it anymore . But that night since I wore a red cloak instead of a black one , it could have saved my life that halloween night .

I was leaning into my car from the driver side which was fasing the street , at my exhusbands place . The kids waznted to stop there as every halloween and to my parents house . Right then a car came out of no where and must have seen my bright red jacket and skidded on his breaks , sliding into a circle hitting a fense across the street instead of me . I was thankful that he considering me during his high speed chace from the police that he was involved in . Next he hit another object before getting caught . I give him credit for valueing someones life in the middle of extreme panic and possibly being drunk .

If I had wore the black cloak maybe he wouldn't have seen me intime to stop .

My kids were freaking out by the scene and releaved I was ok .

The years prior I took my kids trick or treating and waited for them . When I was married to my first husband we usually went to halloween parties after another before halloween or worked it out some how if it fell on a weekend so I could take the kids out trick or treating. He wasn't big on trick or treating like I was so I didn't mind . We also went to the autum festival at our church when the kids were young . They call it a autum or fall festival instead of halloween .

I'm Catholic again so lately I've had to go to church for All Saints Day the very next day with my parents . I didn't mind this if they were fine with going later in the day so I can sleep in .

I don't know why some people think halloween is evil . I think of it only as a night of; customes , candy and fun . Just make it safe for everyone and your self ( and espeically don't drive drunk ) . Even spooky events and movies are fun for halloween , just aslong as it's to extreme. Last year we all went to halloween bingo with my neighbor , that was alot of fun . We also ofcourse went trick or treating . I'm running out of customes , maybe I'll find a cheap one at a garage sell . The kids are getting older and trick or treating is getting more and more lame for them ,but I still like it : ) I know , I'm a dork .

10:19 p.m. - 2012-09-10
In Remembrance
Tomarrow is the anniversary of 9/11. In rememberence to all the fallen victims , they are still remembered . My hopes and prayers are that they are in paradice with God .

10:43 a.m. - 2012-09-08
I'm learning still
I am not supposed to believe in second and past life and nor future lives , therefore I must live this life as it was my only one .

I am still learning but I'm very thankful that Jesus died for my sins .

Thank you Jesus I had a dream in the past that I may go to another body if I had died . But it was gloomy and dark and I was told to stay in this body and make the best of what I have and to help my children and to basically find love and happiness . I guess thats where faith and hope comes in . I am not telling anyone to choose a or a type of God . I respect everyone and their own choices .

10:43 a.m. - 2012-09-08
I'm learning still
We are not supposed to believe in second lives , therefore we must live this life as it was are only one .

I am still learning but I'm very thankful that Jesus died for my sins and all of our sins .

Thank you Jesus

6:30 p.m. - 2012-09-02

I just wanted to share this . Some definitions to happniess begins with the ltter L . For some of us it's difficult at times to feel each of these , I've had a difficult time too , feeling these too . Sometimes it's difficult to seek happiness when theres more feelings of ; insecurites , doubt and fear . Some times it takes the help of others to find this when you can't find it with in your self at times . Maybe this is why there is so many of us , maybe we need to help each other out some how .

6:04 p.m. - 2012-09-02
What I mean by true love is someone you have found or they found you and the both of you enter a commitment .
In this commitiment there is ; love , happiness , friendship , loyality , faithfulness and forgiveness .

Many of us choose a partner because of faulse feelings, such as ; lust , romance , loneliness , insecurity and feeling as if no one else would come along . We don't know if were supposed to wait and sometimes we don't know what were supposed to look for in choosing a life partner .
Also some of us are in a phase of maturing . Most of us don't go into a marriage , mature enough to handle one , I know I wasn;t .

Now , I'm pretty sure marriage is some what of an agreemnent . Maybe it's possible to make two wrongs into a right . I think it's very possible to fall inlove with someone you feel completly opposite with and especially someone you can consider a friend .
In all , most lustful feelings will fade away .In most cases because they've descovered the magic is gone or another fruit of passion came along . There are many reasons why when choosing a life partner you choose them for more then the reason of simply having a crush . Friendship is a very good reason to choose a life partner because sometimes love grows slowly aswell as love at first sight .
Love at first sight is extrely rare but it does happen .

If someone thought I would make a good life partner with them I wish they'd seek my friendship because it's better taking a risk then to live with regret .


I'm still waiting for a life partner and will open my self up more into dating . If you don't like this and your a male and you feel almost a burning angry sensation then I'd hope you would either wish me the best of luck in my future like anyone else with good ententions or ask me out and stop me . If you don't ask me out it is not my fault I am with someone else in the future .

This is how I feel in regards to not taking risks . I'm not supposed to go after a guy to try and win them they are supposed to do this with me . If he had done this , I would respect him even more and see how much more couragious he is . If I wasn't enterested this is fine and he will find someone and a fool is who he will never be aslong as he asks girls out . Girls aren't going to ask guys out , atleast most of them wont and if they do maybe the guys should accept . It takes alot of courage to ask someone out , I know this because I've kind of did this through out my life through clues and hidden messages .

10:23 a.m. - 2012-08-25
More education is always good
I've descided I need more education about trying to make a buisness . So, I'm pulling out this year at least doing everything I can to pull out . Also I think I need something that is not going to enable me and fight against my anxeity disorder ....ect . I want to try going back to college for a certificate or a two year degree . Maybe in time and after I take a few buisness courses and learn how to make more and new formulas I can do this again . If I had better knowledge about how to run a buisness and more control over my anxeities and any mentil issues I have maybe it would have worked out for now . I learned the more I worked the more my mental issues became worse . I heard more things that no one else heard . Maybe I need to work through this somehow if I'm going to go back into the work field . I'm goint back into the work field even with my mental issues . I don't want them controling me . I've had the RSD under control pretty well and have not went into stage ll because I caught treatment early . Maybe , like others i can get off treatment too and do well . If I go back into trying to make a buisness I need to stick with it because I'd have to make a proffit instead of a loss . I'm not pulling out because I have a loss and not a proffit , I'm pulling out because I need more education and training also I need to control my mental issues better . Maybe the timing is off right now . My sister thinks I'd make a great buisness owner and to make this apart of my future somehow .But she doesn't see the weaker or challenging side of me . If she had maybe she'd rethink it or think I need to share my buisness so I'm not alone on it . I don't know how to make that possible but I'm open to it in the future . Maybe by then I'll have more formulas for different functions .Id love to sell other sellers items in a gift basket , maybe I could do that too . I'm just brain storming. I alspo like satilites thats and the offer cources for maping in college . I'm also enterested in taking Net working again , it's been 12 years since I graduated from the Net working program , diffiantly out dated . Maybe , all I need is more time , I don't know . But , all I know is that all this confusion is doing me no good . If I could slow down that helps and go back to college then try at it again . I have all these ideas and refuse to allow my mentil issues to enable me from working in the future, atleast I'm trying . Also I want to be there for my kids at the same time helping them to become functional adults . All I know is that education will be the ticket for this and it's the biggest challenge for them because of personal reasons and different reasons. My son is on his way to Job Corp if everything works out in place thats a miracle to me because it took so long for him to care aboiut his future . My daughters are each very different but alike in many ways . They know too feel education is important and you don't need a 4 year degree . Just your foot in the door .

11:22 p.m. - 2012-08-23
Stalemate ?
I'm trying to find away to survive off Social Security . I've come up with walls along the way that I don't know how to get around . Will it be college ( I hope ) or will it be my buisness that begins to proffit in years to come , ( I hope ) . I've learned while doing my buisness I think maybe I have what it takes , atleast some of my customers like my product or then again maybe it's a free gift they like . I'm trying to find out if my products are effective or not . I thought maybe by inspiring my customers to leave comments that they were would be one way . I wasn't sure .

As the months went by my anxeity would come and go . As I got busier my anxeity got worse as it slowed down I was able to become strong again . I feel that slowing down helps me become more head strong and so I must do what I have to do and that is to try and slow down the buisness .

Either I over come my anxeity disorder or manage it better or sell my buisness ( at least I hope it has worth ).

I really want to try college now too and maybe have my buisness as one of my choices . So , I'm enroling back to college for a quick certificate or degree to get me in the doors of employment . I don't want to enable my self to a mental illness and I'm doing everything I can to avoid this from something that will define me and label me . It's ok being different but I'd rather be normal and going back to work . If I can pull off running a possible buisness that could be a mulit million dallor buisness someday if it does truly work and qaulifies as a passable product then why couldn't a company give me a chance to see if I got what it takes to impress them to hire me on full time and hopefully with benefits . This is what I hope I can do in the future is to work full time at a job with much security .

Stale mate with my anxeity , I don't want it to win over me .

One of my greastes dislikes is being breathless or feeling as if it's difficult to breath . Not to mention all the phoebias and depression that can attach .

12:57 a.m. - 2012-08-17
A Plan
Sometimes , I'm finding ; if your having feelings of ; worthlessness , hopelessness , obscurities , fear , depression , insecurities , worries, weakfullness and low self worth .It's helpful to make plans no matter how much you don't want to or atleast imagine your self accepting a plan . It's best to make them small at first so you can complete it before you make a plan for something with more impact .
I'm also finding out it's better to take a risk then to risk nothing at all for certian chances . Stagnation can be a good thing , I've heard time can be the best councelor , this is where stagnation can play out . But to avoid what could be or the what if's is a risk it's self .
I've also heard to try an replace a positive over a negative , like the list above .
Here's what it would look like ;
valueable , hope , light , bravery ,happiness,security,clear minded,strenght and good self worth .

For a few months I've been battling all these but don't we all . I've also been confused and extremly worried about the future . I know better to know I have to ask God for guidance inwhich I did but I did not . If I had seeked him fully I feel like I would have been more at peace with the worries . I want to depend on him more then I have and I should . I feel like he's guided me to family members , friends and even strangers for answeres along with messages . In all I've learned it's good to have more then one plan , more then one option and to ask him for strenght or encouragment if you lack it .

My plans are changing from the plans I've had last year .

I'll continue my buisness but slowly until I know more about buisness skills , which could take a few more years . I enjoy making formulas but I also need a plan second plan A because I plan on doing both . I want two careers in the future . I refuse to have my anxieties control my future . To do this I need education and training to help me to become employeable . The husband thing will come in time and I don't want to get involved with someone because I financially need it . I want true love and true love given and also accepted . I'm surprised that many couples do not have this as they did years ago . I guess maybe I could be wrong maybe true love has something to do with survival also . Years ago divorce was not an option and marriage was something you needed for survival . Yet at the same time many marriages became strong in values of love . Maybe too many options for us actually aren''t so good for us , if were too immature . I know from experiance I was pretty immature in my past marriages .

Another plan which began tonight is my smoking habits . My kids took control , they are forcing me to work on the habit to eventually quite smoking .

It's always a good thing to work on your health of your self .

So, I now have good plans for 2013 and on .

How about you your self make good plans for the future , even if it begins with just a simple thought . At some point you can put action behind it . No plan is dumb , every plan has more worth then I know or you .
I don't know why , but I feel it's very important to make plans for your future even if it's as small as a pearl .

That tiny pearl will then become something bigger and then make bigger plans , and so on and so on ......

Basically what I'm saying , imagination is more important then I or you realize .

Be positive and think positive and if you can't then replace the negative with a positive if a negative one comes first and continue replacing it , over and over if you have to .

positive energy is more powerful because it's light , darkenss is good too , because it asborbs light .

I love the darkness and all the beauty of the night . Even the stars look like gems and diamonds . Light is the center of the show in the night because the darkness and light complement each others gifts .

The moon is my favorite part of the night .

I'm brain storming positives of the night that I enjoy and love , theres more but I'd have a very long list to type . I love the day time too and all it's color . The day begins with hope , mornings are the most beautiful part of the day , then again i love sun sets too .

Ofcourse there is a God and he's brilliant ,as he is the greatest geniuous, he's also the most talented artist .

11:50 p.m. - 2012-08-16
Howls In The Near Distance
For years I've heard a wolf howling or wolves howling and I know logically thesse sounds are coming from my mind and aren't really there . I usually can distinguish which sounds are from my illness and which ones aren't , at least sometimes , then again maybe I was never ill . I don't know why sometimes I hear sounds that others can't . Most of the time when I do hear that wolf howling or wolves howling it's at a time in my life that I need guidiance . I don't know why but it's compforting when I hear the howls of the wolves . I've been hearing the howling lately again and once again I feel comported or more secure that I'm not alone out here , after all . A year and a half ago I went through a phase where I heard , planes or helicopters and sometimes machine like sounds above me off in the far distance . Sometimes I also heard buzzing noises off in the distance . Other times I was just hyperbrained and could hear far off sounds up close . Continued ..........

11:55 a.m. - 2012-08-09
My youngest daughter and I are hitching a ride with my sister for our Birthdays ( Sarah's, her mothers ( my sister ) and mine ) to see our other sister and her family . I can't wait to see Jacob and Sheridan ! I miss them so much . We plan on moving up there when my daughter is out of school and when everything is settled to move unless I get remarried he has has other plans for me .It's not a big town so I doubt he could find work there but he could retire there , it's a wonderful town and a great place to fish and to go boating .

We'll be leaving Friday and comming back on Sunday . Not a long visit but better then no visit . My son will be mostly with his Father or watching after the place with my oldest daughter .

10:26 a.m. - 2012-08-09
Continued .............
My daughter had the dream at the same time as a medication change which braught her alot of fear during this time . Back to last year , right after the twister dream ,where I was sucked up into a black whole on a twister on one fo my city streets on my way to my parents house in my dream called " Frances Street " . I remember the street name in my dream because I saw the location . The angels or beings shapped them selves into a spiral , they could shape into probably anything . I ased them why they saved me they did not give me an aswere but told me to basically make the best of my life right now and do it being HAPPY . They said it was very important that I help my kids and find happiness . They didn't say what the altenrative is and I did not ask . They looked releived but still frusterated with me .

Three days latter I fel asleep in my chair for a breif moment maybe and found my self in a dream . I was standing outside of my church and standing in the rain . The rain didn't bother me , I stood there as time passed . Then a male figure appeared where a dark suit . He stood in the rain with me , we stood there in the rain as time passed . Then a little girl appeared behind him . He noticed her and enbrassed her . She looked up at me and turned into my neice Sarah who was adopted from China to my sisters family after I suggested to my sister to adopt .
Sarah giggled after I asked her what she was doing here too . She told me , I like you being my Aunt ,please continue being my Aunt Karen and smiled and I smiled back . I asked the male figure why my neice was with him . He told me that she was his daughter and not the girl I said she was . I looked at her again and she had turned into someone else and was not Sarah but then appeared to be Sarah off and on . I did not want to argue with him and he was kind about it as he said it kindly . I wanted to tell him that i just say my neice and wonder why she was with him but I didn't . Instead I stood with them for more time as it rained .

I woke up and drove my son and his friend somewhere . Then my sons friend laughed about how in about 10 more minutes according to a some religious people that the world would come to an end in 10 minutes . I had never heard of that so I turned on the radio station and sure enough they braodcasted what he had just said and said we made it through the end of the world occording to many people .

I though it was strange that I had a religious type of dream that same day and dreamed I wanted ouside of my church with a male figure in a dark suit with his daughtger while it rained .

The next day after chruch Sarah showed the family a picture she drew yesterday or with in the time frame of after or during the twister dream of a tornado with hearts inside of it . My sister laughed and said it was one of the strangest pictures and that she doesn't understand it . I told my family about my dream of the tornado and they didn't beleive me and just noded with me . Sarah laughed and said thats the hearsts in the turnado . I'm not sure if she meant mine too since I was sucked up into the tornado too but got recued . She probably meant the beings or the angels were the hearts . Thats fine they should get the credit for having the kind of big hearts Sarah see's them for . She gave the picture to my parents . My mom still hasd the pitcure up on her regerator and doesn't plan to take it down .
I've had many dreams where I see someone dieing but anytime I've seen this something good changed for them , it meant change . I don't want to know if someone is to die unless I can help alternate it from happening and do my best to stop it . We all have a part in a huge puzzle , sometimes it takes us longer to acheive our part and soemtimes we fail to acheive our part . Which can ripple effect other options for others . If we all pass then imagine how great this world could really be , I don't think we;ve ever seen how really beautiful and awesome earth can be but it's possible . If we can experiance both heaven and hell on earth then why can't we have more of the heaven moments , maybe we can .
It's worth the effert to be positive , being positive isn't as easily as said and for me it has been a difficult task over my life time but much easier over the past 6 years . This year has been a bit more stressful due to the buisness . I'm going to slow down alot and go back to college in January though I'm unsure for what course of study but part time and deffiantly very part time on my buisness .

I don't know if i want to run a buisness by my self , it's too much for me to handle .

I'd rather work for someone else and let them handle most of the stress but first I have to get educated and qaulified andf handle my anxeity better . Before I commit going back to work full time .

9:52 a.m. - 2012-08-09
A Dream To Survive ....The Storm
A year ago i had a series of strange but not so strange for me , maybe for others (For the ones who don't beleive in preminitions, through a dream ) .

In one of my dreams I dreamed I was rescued by angels or beings ?? from death . This death was in a form of a huge twister that took me away . I was then in a scene of my older sister who sat in the dark . I saw a young man approaching then I saw my neice Hannaha . I told my sister , soon you will meet the father of Hannas child and I will be Hannas daughter soon . She still sat in the dark and appeared very saddned . I told her " it's me your sister and soon I will be Hannas daughter , do you understand that I past away . My sister did not want acknologe this and looked at me then tears ran down her face and refused to beleive it then turned away . The angels or beings pulled me back and corrected me and told me you have misunderstood us . You are not to leave this body yet , you are to stay and help your kids and find something that will make you happy to keep you happy , this is extremely important . You must not pass away yet but live and enjoy the life that was given to you if not for your SELF ! for the sake of your children ! I looked at them and felt ashamed that I had not done things right but I did not knpow how to fix myself . The anxiety inside of me can become bigger then a twister or an average catrostrophic storm .
I don't know how to deal with the anxeity so I smoke and I drink tons of coffee , I pass and pass . I don't know how to accept change I guess and I don't take change well it looks like . I say things that I think I mean but when it comes down to it and change is about to happen I fall into fear and all the what if's and the doubts then I fall into beleiveing the doubts and the fears then a break down could occur . I need time , time is the best councelor . I need time to improve myself and to become stronger in my mind , I also need all the help I can get from any one and any form that is good or has good intentions for my self and my family . Because obviously I'm not getting this , I'm only self distructing more and more . So if those dreams of devestation can occur and the dream my daughter had could have any trueth then I need to be forced to be better . It doesn't take much to make me bad , I can do bad all by myself and I can do alot .

I can make alot of messes along the way . I'v made wrong choices , these wrong choice effect the lives of my kids . These choices could lead up to my death , maybe cancer .

We are all accountable in the end for not doing what we were called to do . WOur calling involves many , many , many small tasks some large tasks along the way . I've failed at many but I've also gained many . The strangers on the streets begging for money may use it to buy boose but I'd rather be generious then judgemental .
So, I will continue trying to give .

My daughter had a dream that she was walking with me and I told her I had cancer and that she must go on . I don't know if this was one of the dreams she fears and is why she dreamed it or if it's a possibility for the near future .
Even so miracles happen and maybe I will still have time to help my kids and find the happiness .
Just as I'm supposed to find inner happiness , every being is supposed to find their inner happiness . Is what I beleive . There is no such thing as a mistake or waiste because you better have a good reason to call someone this before God someday if you beleive this and be right . If your wrong I'm not God , I don't know what he does to teach us . He's all love so his teachings are to help us but sometimes in the process it can be EXTREMLY painful like burning in fire .

11:16 a.m. - 2012-08-05
REALLY ?? !!
Ok, I'm beginning to get fid up now with my neighbors in my appartments . I'm always usually as sweet as pie with them but this parking space situation is getting ridiculiously out of control . I slaughed this off repeatedly before because they'd atleast leave me a parking space in the parkinglot though before I'd preffer to park in the front . So, when I was forced to take my place in the parking lot I did so without complaining , while my neighbors needed three parking spaces for three of their cars and ofcourse other neighbors needed a parking space for their toy boy . I could care less about what their reasons were just aslong as they left me a parking space . We are each allowed 2 parking spaces , inwhich now
I have almost none . I think Maybe they think they are invisable to management . I'm pretty sure management will find out even though I wont say anything because most of the tenants here tell on each other even if it doesn't involve them . I don't want anyone to get paybacks on me so I wont say anything but anyone else can . Last night one of the toy boys even took up two spaces to park his van , without any care for the tendants . Then my neighbor either now has 4 cars ( ranging from an expensive SUV to 3 other jeeps ) or unless someone stayed last night visiting and took over my space in back . I was forced to parrellel park in a very tight space .The trueth is that They are TACTFULLY RUDE and basically don't care who they run over this is why I try to keep the peace . Cause when I move I'll be sure to flip them off and
they deserve it , exception for some of their household members which is why I wont . But it's nice to imagine how nice it could be to show them how tactfully rude I can be aswell but with a sweet smile as i do it .

If that was my boyfriend I'd have him park somewhere else or I'd make sure he was not using up 2 paking spaces . As for my neighbor I wouldn't be displaying expensive SUV's living in Hud housing or trying to make myself noticable by putting my self in situations where it could invade someone elses space with my overly expensive SUV'S .

11:16 a.m. - 2012-08-05
REALLY ?? !!
Ok, I'm beginning to get fid up now with my neighbors in my appartments . I'm always usually as sweet as pie with them but this parking space situation is getting ridiculiously out of control . I slaughed this off repeatedly before because they'd atleast leave me a parking space in the parkinglot though before I'd preffer to park in the front . So, when I was forced to take my place in the parking lot I did so without complaining , while my neighbors needed three parking spaces for three of their cars and ofcourse other neighbors needed a parking space for their toy boy . I could care less about what their reasons were just aslong as they left me a parking space . We are each allowed 2 parking spaces , inwhich now
I have almost none . I think Maybe they think they are invisable to management . I'm pretty sure management will find out even though I wont say anything because most of the tenants here tell on each other even if it doesn't involve them . I don't want anyone to get paybacks on me so I wont say anything but anyone else can . Last night one of the toy boys even took up two spaces to park his van , without any care for the tendants . Then my neighbor either now has 4 SUV's or someone stayed last night visiting and took over my space in back . I was forced to parrellel park in a very tight space .The trueth is that They are TACTFULLY RUDE and basically don't care who they run over this is why I try to keep the peace . Cause when I move I'll be sure to flip them off and
they deserve it , exception for some of their household members which is why I wont . But it's nice to imagine how nice it could be to show them how tactfully rude I can be aswell but with a sweet smile as i do it .

If that was my boyfriend I'd have him park somewhere else or I'd make sure he was not using up 2 paking spaces . As for my neighbor I wouldn't be displaying expensive SUV's living in Hud housing or trying to make myself noticable by putting my self in situations where it could invade someone elses space with my overly expensive SUV'S .

3:50 p.m. - 2012-08-02
41st Birthday
For my 41st birthday I went out with my parents to the Cracker Barrowel , I had a nice time there . I blew out my candle over a German chocolate cake at my parent's house and ofcourse I made my birthday wish . I came home and went to get ready to go out with my neighbor girlfriend to a city concert , we had a great time . Afterwards she , my son and I went to Bingo . I haven't gone to Bingo in a while but when I did go maybe once to 4 times a month I'd win seldom . I won that night on my birthday : )I won $ 100.00 and gave $ 20.00 to my neighbor girl friend and $ 20.00 to my son which left me with $ 60.00 that I also spent on my daughters . It was a great Birthday : ) I also almost forgot to mention that it finaly caught up to me about choosing a last name . I litterly had no real last name to go to for 5 years . So, naturally I went by the name on my drivers liceans which was different from the last name on my social security card and different from what the system knows me of . My sister and her husband insisted I choose their last name , this was very kind of them but to do this would be costly and time consuming . I had til my birthdate to choose a name or I wouldn't be able to drive nor purchase anything thing , talk about being forced . I would have done this sooner but I didn't have enough money to change my last name to my sisters and her hubsands last name . I couldn't go back to my maiden name which would be Karen Xander . My Father has unrealistic worries and worries he would be responsible for me still if I went back to my maiden name . Yet at the same time he was insulted that I wouldn't at one point . I don't think he realises how double standard he can be some times but I'm ok with this though it took a long time to understand him . I couldn't go to my former married name because my 1st exhusband was not ok with this at the time . He blames everything on me and ofcourse always has even if I had nothing to do with a situation . So I tried to avoid going back to that name which was Karen Myers . The only name I could legally have was Karen Ferrell . Though my exhusband and I divorced he was still on friendly terms with me and was fine with me going by his last name so that is what I did until the month of my birthday when my drivers liceans expired . I had planned to continue with the same name but when I tried to renew my drivers liceans last month they refused to proceed , telling me I had to choose a last name . So , I asked the woman who was telling me this infront of me at the DNV which name would be the simpliest route because this is the name I choose . Though it would mean going to my exhusband to tell him I have top choose his last name or ignoring my Fathers request and going back to my maiden name . She told me it would be easier to go back to my 1st married last name . With proof of a marriage certificate to bring back is all I needed so that same week in July I choose my last name which is now legal . I'm now again , Karen Myers . My exhusband wasn't thrilled but since were on kind of friendly terms but kind of not he's at peace with it , hopefully .He said my name on the caller ID has been coming in as Karen Myers for a while now and he assumed I had already changed it back to Karen Myers . I wished for true love and true love is not love forced but to imagine a moment of one of my dreams comming true and having love returned back to me by one of my dream men would be like a wish come true . I don't know if they are simular to the men in my dreams of my past but I beleive I saw a glimpse of what could be if I was to be with one of them . I've married maybe between one to three more men , but his identity are unknown and dates I married them in my dreams did not flash before me as these two dream marriages . I'd rather not write my neighbors name in here , I can't run from him to far if he were to find out . But I can with Rolf because I live in a different state from him , therefore he wouldn't even bother . 1117 flashed first to the wedding of rolf and I Then , second came 711 flashed before me next a couple years latter to the wedding of my neighbor and I . Rolf is my one and only man I'd ever want for a husband or a lover . I don't know why my neighbor would be a dream husband of mine aswell . But he was and in my dreams we made each other happy because we felt love for each other , like Rolf and I had . Because of my dreams is why he would be considered a wish come true aswell . Though my name may never become; Karen Johnson , I know true love will find me and the happiness that comes with it .

Here are my updated photos from this weekend after I turned 41 .

2:43 a.m. - 2012-07-27
Waiting For A Knight ,
to fill in my pages to my long awaited love story .

Love stories are written all the time , even the best of the best of stories are based on love .

I wish for true love to find me though it may take time .

Love can be love at first sight or it can grow softly ( slow ).

12:04 a.m. - 2012-07-27
It's My Birthday : )
One of my birthday wishes already came true because it leads to what I want more then money it's self .

If I had a choise over fame and furtune and I had to give it all up for love , I would do it .

I choose love .

My ESP was confirmed by now a 4 phycic and she was as gifted as the others .
She also confirmed that my strongest ESP abibilites was through visions of my dreams . My ESP is now weakening and my ESP in my dreams has alomost completly over , maybe for now and maybe forever , I don't know. What I do now is that it feels like the longest period of time laspe since I've had any visions . If I do get them they are very breif ,if I remember them at all anymore .

What I took with me is what I wanted and needed so hopeully all is going to be ok afterall . I needed to see what was important though we all have free will .

I made my choice in what I want though unknown to whom .I say this because even if I did knew my choices they too have free will .

I've seen what makes me happier , I've seen both . I'm happiest with love if I must choose . If somehow I get it all I wont look back and value my life on all the false gains but on the real gains . Truely the ones who find love are rich and very lucky .I wish it would happen to me , this is my wish .

I'll be back

12:57 a.m. - 2012-07-11
The fountains Of Youth SCC
Well to make a short story even shorter regarding my all of my dates , I had a wonderful time with all of them and all were pretty much G rated . They were all very handsom but also very well to do . It's a good thing that nothing came of it with any of them only because I can't say the money would have blinded me . They were all very nice to me but some were kind of shallow , while others were not . I'm still in the dating scene ofcourse but I've slowed down not so much because of my schedual though I am busy but because the new site I've joined nothings really worked out and I had more responses at the other site , inwhich I will go back to after my member ship gets closer to it's end with this one .

I'm excited about my products , such as ; "Kaliedopotion" and "Miracle" (Youth Skin Care Kit)I've had very positive responses around my ; neighbors , friends and family . They aren't just trying to be nice either , most of them are brutily honest . One of my neighbors and friend came to my door a few days ago in desperation and I'm not exagerating . She told me in plain words she needs more of the Kaliedopotion because it litterly makes her feel younger , prettier and happier and it gives off the same ora as a couple of the high end serums that she has tried that sell for in the hundreds of dallors and that she'd rate mine as among one of them though not quite # 1 yet but I'm getting there . When I told her I had ran out because others are on a waiting list for free samples she told me she'd pay as much as she could to bump her up at the top of the list . I went ahead and bumped her up and refilled her Kaliedopotion , her face lit up as if I had given her a wonderful Christmas present that she had been waiting for , for a long time with that childlike thrill that comes with it .I love making my friends and loved ones happy and even strangers too . The satisfaction that I've helped make their day better in soem way or even better their life better in some way is worth more then money , it's priceless .
Today at 711 they would not sell me ciggerrets, because I did not have my drivers liceans with me . It was a new empoyee but they were so convinced i was not over 18 that they said I'd have to proove I was old enough to buy ciggerrets . This now has happened more then 10 times in the past few months . I'm not sure why some days I look young according to what others say .I'm turning 41 at the end of July ( this month .) Maybe it is my formulas , maybe they work better then I thought they would . I hope this is the case because then I know I actually created something important and something that makes others feel better and happier about them selves . Though true happiness must come from within first then outward .

9:44 a.m. - 2012-06-18
Trying To Stay Positive
Yesterday my son drove my car after I battled a weekend with him wanting to use my car and then had it stolen by his now AGAIN again exfriend . His ex friend crashed it , into a mailbox and boulder . If thats not bad enough it gets worse . Though his friend stole the car my son was still in it . When his friend relealised what he had done he ran , and my son followed . His friend then threw the keys along a railroad . The state patrol was waiting for them at the end of the path . His friend got there first to explain his side and blamed the crash on my son . My son finaly made it home to tell me all this . So I called the state patrol and they said my son crashed the car because two witnesses saw him though he went back in before leaving to see any damages and thats what they saw . And they saw him driving it just two minutes prior all it took his friend was two minutes to crash it . His friend now has crashed 4 cars that I know of and got away with evertyhing including robbing the neighborhood . I think it's about time someone locks him away because no one has because they fear him so greatly . My son is no longer affraid of him . His mother is no longer either and kicked him out after he crashed her car for the third time & + some . I beleive in chances but so far he doesn't know how to be in main stream .
Because my son chose to hang out with him again and use my car after I warned him he will have to walk his way or ride his bike with all my arrens . In the mean time the truth needs to come out . The state police told me over the phone my son will need a lawyer if he is telling the truth . Fine , I will do everything I can to show him the trueth still matters . He told the state patrol the truth and he was punished fairly and he may have to go to jail in a couple of months for running away from the scene . I know I wont get my car payed for even if the turth comes because I only have basic innsurance and not full coverage . So my son offered to pay for the damages through Laber Reader and still keep up with my errands . I can not wait for this but so I will have to apply everything I have since it's needed for my buinsness . I know some how , some way something will work out .

12:23 a.m. - 2012-06-09
He Could Be The One For Me Aslong as I don't Dream Of Him
I've had a couple of second dates out of 4 men I've choosen so far to date online . There were more but I can't choose who to become involved with for a girl friend and boyfriend relationship if I had a bunch of men to date . These men are older then me the youngest ranging at age 51 , I'll call him Creg , the others are 55 years old . I chose them to be older then me because I want to be my man's rose bud not old woman . All of them are well to do and could provide me with a compfortable life style but like i said I'm looking for love . One of them is very serious about golfing he's an electricial enginer and a manager , I'll call him Roy . The other owns two or three Spanish grocery stores but is all Irish , I'll call him Jer . The 4th one owns a company and is also an engineer , I'll call him Kenny . All 4 are attractive , kind and could be romantic . They are all set in their ways and have many stories to share with me .
I haven't seen any of them in my dreams but I'm beginning to think my 2 dream men are the men in my dreams who signify men I will never be with but have fallen for . Rolf moved to BFF because I haven't seen him in probably almost 12 years . the last time I saw him was when I left storming out of the resturant we both worked at . I thought I'd see him the next day , and at the Christmas part and always , or alteast for another year or two before I moved on but instead it was the last time execption for the dreams . Then there is Mr. Rogers . The last time I saw him was a couple of weeks ago at wendy's . He gave me the snake eye so my son and I left .
Last Sunday I dated Jer for the second time . He's baught my family and I some groceries , thats was very sweet and very much appreciated . I guess he meant it when he said he wanted a partner to go camping with and that there could be problems due to my migrain . I had to tell him the trueth and the trueth is that sometimes I get migrains while traveling in the mountains . My migrain was extremly painful so maybe he's right , anyways he hasn't called back that I know of .
Tonight I dated Creg for the second time . We went to the Country Buffet since it was in the same mall where the movies were located . Then we saw Men In Black 3 3D . We had alot of fun . He said his company has been loosing alot of buisness in the past 3 years but thats ok because so far he's caught my enterest the most though he doesn't beleive me . He is over weight and thats ok too , I like my men on the chunkier side rather then thin side . I asked him why he was looking for a partner and his answere about melted me . He told me when he's away on buisness that he just sits in his hotel room and he went from dinning out to staying in because it depresses him that he has no one to share his life with . I don't know how he will do with my kids and this is a huge concern to me . He has no kids and I have three , and two of them with bipolar . Each date further I tell a little more about my past and my life . When all the truth has come out and the one who can show me they can stand in a storm with me without running will be ahead of all others . Creg is well to do but not the richest but so far he's won my heart .
Tomarrow night I'm dating Roy for the second time and although I've told Roy that we may not match because I may not like golf as much as he does , (he wants his lover to be his gold partner , which is very sweet but they better love golf ) but Roy still wants me to give him a chance . That alone is very sweet so ofcourse I will .
Kenny I may be dating for the second time in two more weeks , when he gets back from his business trip or vication .
I'm affriad I'll dream about Creg because if I do then I'll only loose him because I can't help but think if I fall for a guy and if i dream about them then I''lll loose them , rather they were once mine or never mine .
Sometimes I think I'll never find a man who will match with me . If only there were alien men because I think I'd match with them better . I don;t even feel human my self , who knows maybe I'm an alien : )

12:47 a.m. - 2012-06-04
The Magic Of Love
I had no idea when I got more involved with the online dating site by writting to men first would open so many doors to finding Mr. Right . I figured they'd have to write me first but the site I signed up to was a site where older men were at but of my prefference . When I wrote I choose men between 10 to 20 years older then me . Some turned me down because of our age difference and others were responsive . The ones who responded and the ones I choose to meet were all very sweet , mature , and finacially secure . But if I was looking for money I'd know who I'd choose , the most finacially secure . They were also all handsom aswell . But , could they find true happiness with me and I with them . Most of them wanted my time and my attention , and this is fine but I also have three kids though two are adults who aslo need this from me . They will always have ties to me therefore the one who liked or could eccept the idea of a family orented life style though my kids , preffably my son would be out on his own someday but still took enterest in him . I preffer to choose them also for feeling that special magic feeling but I've felt none of this with any of them . Not because I'm mean but because I don't fall easialy but when I do I fall hard . Money can't buy me love therefore the most wealthiest is out though they were handsom . Handsom can't buy me love because thats not the way I fall . I'm not saying any men I've ever fell for was not handsom , I'm saying there is a very good reason why I fell for them . My reasons are unknown , ecceptions for maybe a connection with some dreams . I don't know if these men I've met are any of my soul mates but I don't feel they are . I feel a disconnection even with them and with my soul mates .
I don't know why the ones who fell for me like me and why the ones who didn't seem enterested in calling me didn't call back . I had more who were enterested but that could be for many reasons .
How can they feel the magic with only one date . I can't help to feel that they would even date someone younger then me and feel just as happy . I don't know if they are seeking that magic . I've not kissed any of them and only hugged them or shook there hand . I'm down to three to choose from because they took so much enterest in me and my kids . I don;t expect them to spend money on my kids but I am impressed by the time they want to spend as a family time .
Usually I would not leave my choices uo to my kids or my parents but I have.
No one has won my Fathers approval in his eyes they are all too old for me . My mother says the one who matches enterest with me and who can accept my kids though not put up with bs from them should be my first choice rather there is magis or not . My kids chooce the won who will take them camping . I got a migrane just from trying to choose a camping site . They all are eager to go camping but I'm not sure I can do this too often and that I'd do it for my kids .
Though they can povide for me securily I'm not enterested in using them . In order to give them someone who they truely deserve I need to feel some type of magic and some connection . Though my Dad thinks I should be with someone more my age , I disagree . I will fall for nonone no matter who they are , how nice they are , how finacially secure they are . I don't know who I want or what I want in a mate . But I do know somewhere out there magic can happen and if I knew it could happen with any of these wonderful men I've met then I would give them all of me but for now I can't . I don't want to hurt them therefore I don't know what to do . I want to emphasize again it's not about looks nor money .
I guess the closest I can describe my choice of a lover would be someone who I can feel 75 % magic with , someone who can accept my kids and want to spend time with them as I would his . Ofcourse money matters and I have nothing to offer them therefore why should I expect him to have anything to offer me . But the facts are we would have to have some of this to live on or our relationship could crumble unless it's a survivial lifystyle for us all .
Atleast now it's prooven with witnesses , ( my kids , a couple of friends and my family ) can tell my future lover I'm not in the relationship because I only thought money would buy me love . If I'm forced to be with someone because I have no where else to go then it's what I will do but with this they will get all of me and the best of me , though I secretly live in loneliness still .
I'm happy being alone and I don't want a man if I can't have the magic of love .
I thank these dates of mine for offereing me a life style I've never had and watched others gain it . to some they may feel I'm stupid because I could have it all if I really wanted it . But to some out there , they may agree with me . That does not define having it all to me . Castles can fall , luxery cars can crash , money is only paper ,and material things fade .
Rags to riches may define some one elses fairy tail happy ending but it doesn't define mine if money defines the riches and rags defines proverty . My fairy tale would be going from believing the magic of love exsists , to hoping it can happen to me then to finally happen to me and to have it also loved and appreciated back with my lover . That is my rags to riches fairy tale I long for .

I will continue giving one of these men a chance after one of them has prooved they take enterest in my kids and I will of theirs , because maybe love and magic can grow from this alone , just maybe .

Until then I continue waiting without getting too serious . Once I commit to a marriage I wont cheat , I wont cheat even if I'm involved with someone who is married by heart with me . Marriage is only a peice of paper , thats why . I can be married to someone with out this . Many couples preffer this but a volunrable to getting screwed if the other one leaves them with a broken heart and pennyless . You would really have to trust someone to be married to them by heart.

6:40 p.m. - 2012-04-10
Cross Roads
I'm standing at a cross road in my life and I don't know what to do . I guess it didn't help hitting my head twice in two weeks , not because I'm blond and clumsy but because I'm either a zombie from the lack of sleep or in fast motion when I've had a good sleep . I don't know if I have enough time in 24 hours to sleep 6 to 8 hours straight .
The cross road is rather or not to slow down on my business or progress with where it's going .
If I progress my business is getting big enough that I can't do it on my own any more and I need help . Or slow down so I can do it on my own . It's not enough money to even make it on my own but thats because I just started out . The rate it's going and if my products are truly effective then as a couple of my friends say it could turn into a multi million dollar business but first I need to know if my products stand the test of working long term and this I do not know . I can say I love what I do and enjoy making the formulas . But it is getting harder , I almost have no choice but to decide to find a husband . I don't want the reasons to be because I want my business to expand but rather knowing love will grow from the marriage . I gave up on Don , I never went back not because I don't like him , I do . It's that my buisness picked up more then ever like an explosion and the more bigger it got the more money it takes to keep up with it . I suppose I'll go back sometime but I don't have time to wait around for him to ask me out . I'm going to have to open my doors up for more men to come into my life . It's not wrong to marry to have my business expand because I plan on sharing the business with him . I don't want his money what I need is a partner , someone to help make the business decisions , someone who can help run the business part if they wanted to or to at least be there to help guide me . I honestly feel I do fine alone but married I can do better . I wont marry right away but my long term goal will be to do this . Until I marry I will have to slow the business down because I don't know how to run something that could become so huge I can't control it .
I don't just want a business partner , I want a husband to be my business partner .

I don't know who he is or who he will be until then I wait

2:26 a.m. - 2012-03-26
I Talked To Rolf , ....and
Yes, he likes me back but he's not Rolf . I was more shocked hearing him say his name then him liking me back . I told him he looks alot like an old friend of mine , from years back . He quoted that he hopes he's as good looking as Rolf , I assured him he is . He may be Rolf's age but I'm not sure . It was the strangest occurrence that forced him to talk with me cause I too was too shy to ask him . So , my car got involved ....( silly , car )
: ) , and expensive too : ( .

I have to comment on the staff their . That restaurant has top service there . I've never encountered such friendly staff , many of them did their best to help my son and myself out. Then
as I thought he was Rolf , Rolf comes smiling his way out and
I could have died just seeing him . Then I addressed him by his naturally "Rolf ? " he took a step back and said " Don " . I asked him but I always thought your name was Rolf since I've been coming here . I even thought of the sign Mary saw thought I didn't see his name because I'm far sighted .Then Mary said the name changed and she no longer saw Rolf's name up there . She figured it was a fluke . Sometimes I've heard of unsolved mysteries like this . Sometimes angels intervene . I never would have thought twice to go back their if it hadn't been for her seeing his name and if I had n't looked close enough at Don . I hadn't seen Rolf in 11 years not even a picture so ofcourse I could mistaken his identity but the first time . I must say Don must be the closest double of Rolf's . Mary says if he asks me out then it should be best outcome . This way I don't have a humiliating past to explain or lie about . She told me to deny the truth and say I never wrote him or called him . I wasn't sure what I was going to do but I think she's right . She said I could be pardoned for all of it because I was ill in the head . I told her but I wont deny the letters , I'll never deny them . She said fine but the phone call and I agreed I was pretty ill in the head and I would deny that .

I was almost revealed he wasn't Rolf this way I'm off the hook and I do not have to explain nothing . All he needs to know is that Rolf was an old crush and a old friend of mine if we get together . I didn't ask him if he was married or if he was involved . I'm going to let him ask if he wants to if he's avail